I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
