if you like me you must not know who I am
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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