dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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