when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Randomize
