yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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