Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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