Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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