yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
