he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Randomize
