i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
