My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
