Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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