worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
