remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
