Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
