Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
