hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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