My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
