Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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