i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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