His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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