You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize