A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
