what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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