i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
