I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize