call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
