Got a toothbrush?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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