Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm bleeding and have questions
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
