I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
