I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
