saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
