He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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