I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize