He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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