i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
