Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
