I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
