I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
