It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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