She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
