I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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