shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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