I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
