The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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