I faked an abortion last night.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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