just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
