I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
