There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
