I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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