I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
