oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
