Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
