mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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