Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
