I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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