don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
