Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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