Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize