I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
